POTO Help Line
by Maidenhair
Summary: Why do you think all the POTO characters had such a hard time? Well, they had ME as their advisor. Page 11 is here to scare you.
1. Default Chapter

**POTO Help Line:**

Disclaimer: I don't own da POTO, or cheeze-its or the Guardians of Ga'hoole or Redwall dibbuns

Dear M,

I have a cat, and she loves me.

However, she hates my lady friend. What should I do?

E.

Dear E,

Cats are amazing creatures,

never offend them! You may want to

consider dumping the lady friend.

M.

* * *

Dear M,

I'm a fashionable, young, rich

aristocrat. Why then does someone ugly,

older, and disreputable guy have more fan-girls

than I?

R. de C.

Dear R de C,

Perhaps you are a fop. Ever thought of that?

Try dressing down, acting less extravagant,

and behaving humbly yet honorably.

M.

* * *

Dear M,

I am getting on with life, and I wish to retire.

However, I always end up stuck babysitting

these three troublesome individuals that I so happen to know.

What should I do?

D. N.

Dear D.N,

Just ignore them and they'll mature quicker.

M.

* * *

Dear M,

My dearest love wants to ditch me for a FOP!

Help!

E.

Dear E,

Maybe she loves the fop. Perhaps you should be

more considerate of her wants. (On the other hand,

give her a box of cheez-its. They always

speak to the heart I find.)

M.

* * *

Dear M,

I want to be the prettiest ballerina in the world.

Where can I find a good make-up store? Oh,

I have allergies, so I need a skin sensitive kind.

Lil' M

Dear Lil' M,

If you put beet juice on your face

you're BOUND to be rosy!

M.

* * *

Dear M,

Some low-down thief,

(probably my partner)

is ROBBING me blind!

Heeeeeeellllllppppppp!

R.

Dear R,

Ever thought it might be someone

other than your partner? Maybe it's a

PHANTOM. (Heh.) On the other hand,

I'd ditch the partner.

M.

* * *

Dear M,

Some low-down thief,

(probably my partner)

is ROBBING me blind!

Heeeeeeellllllppppppp!

A.

Dear A,

Ever thought it might be someone

other than your partner? Maybe it's a

PHANTOM. (Heh.) On the other hand,

I'd ditch the partner.

M.

* * *

Dear M,

My darling dibbun daughter

keeps talking about a sinister,

"phantom". I don't like this because

he's not a phantom, he's we…. I sortta

adopted him. Besides! She's being rude

and calling him names and stuff and I'm

afraid he might teach her a "lesson".

G.

Dear G,

Tell your daughter to mind her own

bizzwax. :)

M.

* * *

Dear M,

I'm being punjabed! Gack!

R. de C.

Dear R. de C,

If you're being punjabed, then how did you

send me this telegram?

M.

* * *

Dear M,

My baby brother, (who really isn't a baby)

just went off the deep end! What should I do?

P. de C.

Dear P. de C,

If you mean that your brother just

jumped into water that's too deep

then I suggest you go fish him out.

If you mean he went insane, then I suggest

that you try saying insane in a different,

and more creative, way. Try saying 'Yoiks".

M.

**

* * *

**

**Please review my dear readers! I LOVE reviews! They make me jump for joy:)**


	2. page 2

**Page two**

Disclaimer: I do not own any of these people or anything here.

_Author's note: To L-X-R, thanks for the advice! To Emily Singing Reflection, thanks for the idea! Love the screen name! To Gypsybookworm, Thanks for the idea also! To Dancer of the Opera, I'm M. M is Maidenhair. _

Dear M,

I am in need of some jokes for

The phantom of the opera,

Christine, and Raoul. Please

Send me some so I can laugh

And not be depressed.

D.N.

Dear N.D.

Here's some: How many

Christines does it take to

Change a light bulb? One,

But she will take forever to

Choose whether she'll use the

Friendly, pretty one or the artsy

Powerful one.

What does a mathematical

Phantom call himself?

The _angle_ of music.

How many Raouls does it take

to change a light bulb?

One, he juts holds the bulb and

The whole world revolves around him.

Hope that helps.

M.

Dear M,

I am in love with someone

Who may be a figment of my imagination.

Should I still date him?

C.

Dear C,

Uh, let's use common sense!

M.

Dear M,

I am so sad.

E.

Dear E,

Yes you are.

M.

Dear M,

I WAS CUT FROM ROTK!

S.

Dear S,

Um, I think you are on the

Wrong advice column.

M.

Dear M,

My lady-friend likes music.

What should I do?

R. de C.

Dear R. de C.,

Learn the "Goofy Goober" song.

M.

Dear M,

I have been replaced with an amateur!

C the Diva.

Dear Diva,

Life's tough.

M.

Dear M,

Why are you so mean?

Lil' M.

Dear Lil' M,

'Cause I'm WAY smarter than you.

M.

Dear M,

My life is hard. I am being

Discriminated against.

E.

Dear E,

Spare me from that over-used complaint!

Ok, you probably are just depressed. Just

Be glad you aren't a depressed robot!

M.

Dear M,

How would you feel if YOU

Were a depressed robot?

Marvin

Dear Marvin,

I luv you.

M.

Dear M,

I can't stand my brother!

How do I get rid of him?

P. de C.

Dear P. de C.,

My good buddy L-X-R says you

Should try saying "Sprink" to him,

Then maybe he'll go yeep. If that doesn't

Work, try plan C as in Christine. What you

Need to do is plant a very pretty yet

Criminally insane woman near your brother,

They will inevitably elope and then she'll kill him.

Isn't that funny?

M.

Dear M,

Yessssss!

P. de C.

Dear M,

I love E. Can you arrange his kidnapping

So I can force him to marry me?

Phan

Dear Phan,

Sure thing. I will turn him into a flea,

A harmless little flea! Then, I will put that flea

In a box, and I will put that box into another box,

And then I'll mail that box to myself,

And when it arrives (evil laugh) I'll SMASH it

With a hammer!

M.

Dear M,

NOOOOOOOOOOO!

Phan

Dear Phan,

Just kidding. Like I'd ever do that?

M.

**Do review please me dearies?**


	3. Page 3

Disclaimer: Nope

Dear M  
All these teenage girls keep coming to my house with half masks yelling: "We want Erik!"  
I keep telling them that I'm not Erik. That's not even my name. I don't even know who that is. I keep telling them to go away, but they won't listen. I called my friend and asked him but he just said, "What? You have young girls at your door with white masks screaming for Erik? Why have they forgotten me? I'm a better singer than you!" and then he hung up. I got really confused so I asked my boss what to do and he just said, "They'll do that. Them crazy phans." When I asked him who Erik was he laughed and asked, "Didn't you read the book?" What book? I have no idea what's going on! I should've never agreed to be in that stupid Phantom of the Opera movie! What should I do, M? I need help!  
Gerry

Dear Gerry,

(Whoa, lame name!) Ok, here's what to do,

get a plastic surgery that makes you look like Raoul,

then only about 6 fan girls will be after you. And… wait,

you're _Gerry_ as in **_THE _**Gerry? As in **_GERRY GOARD? _**

M.

Dear M.

NO! As in GERRY the Scot who played the Phantom.

Dear Gerry,

ERIK? Y, y, y, you played ERIK?

Gah! I want ERIK! ERIK! ERIK!

Dear M,

I am now all alone. My love has dumped me.

Um, how do I ask this? Will you set me up with

Someone?

E.

Dear E,

Ok, here are your options:

Syen: a Erik hater who will inevitably label you a

LOOSER

L-X-R: She's very, um, CHEERY. Hehehehehe!

Pimpernelunderthecelitcmoon: She's MAD! MAD I TELL YOU!

She'll eat you first chance she gets!

Mizamour: Yes, she may

Baffled Seraph: She is very nice to me any way.

Anyway, this is all. If any other Phan wants you they may review and say so.

M.

Dear M,

I amm inn a cris-is. I cann knot speal.

R. de C.

Dear R. de. C,

You are sooooooooooo dumb!

M.

Dear M,

I am a TOTAL Phan,

I LUV Erik. Now what?

Phan girl

Dear Phanny,

Learn that love is spelt l-o-v-e.

M.

**Ok, do review! Hi to L-X-R, Syen, Pimpernelunderthecelitcmoon, and Baffled Seraph. Thanx Baffled Seraph for the idea, it was hilarious! To Erik for President, the answer is yes.  Now everyone remember, my sister is…. Oops, sorry old girl. Heh. **


	4. Page 4

**Page 4**

Disclaimer: I don't own anything. (Except my hair, and that's not something we're going to discuss!) Oh, and I don't own the Gerry question, Baffled Seraph made it up, (ever so sweet of her!) and I won't take credit. Thanks Baffled Seraph! Yay! You get this special prize:

Tilllillilililililil!

_Ta-da!_

_Ok, to Angel-of-Music133, you can date Erik all you want._

_To Syen: Hi!_

_To Pimpernelunderthecelticmoon: Boo-ya!_

_To Lahz: Um, you've been sending me a lot of weird stuff, what's up?_

_To Inkyfinger: Hi, haven't heard from you in a while! Want to date Erik?_

_To Mizamour: Aloha! How's… everything? I will be sure to send you Erik. He will be postmarked by tomorrow._

_To meneyavewen: I'm sorry, but Gerry has fled the country._

_To Nota Lone: You can also spell love as lloovvee._

_To IsadoraSnicket: LOVE your screen name! Yay Snicket! Total fan here!_

_To simplyelymas: Thanx for the review! Smiles!_

_To L-X-R: Where have you been? It's almost time for supper and I'm making Barfaroni! _

Dear E,

I normally don't write personal

Messages, but it appears that you have other

Dating options:

Mizamour may be interested, but she

Appears to want you in a box. Isn't that cute?

Angel-of-Music1331 wants to date you also.

She seems the desperate phan type, and will

Probably kiss you –to death.

Meneyavewen is only interested in Gerry,

So sorry. Do you look like Gerry? I'm sorry,

But why that gourd has fans is beyond me, and

What Veggie-Tales has to do with POTO is even more

Opaque.

M.

Dear M,

Ok, I'll try and make a choice.

Tell who ever I choose to meet me

In the Just In section of this site.

E.

* * *

Dear M,

It's the cute wittle ballet rat

Here again! Have any tips for

Making myself look like a queen?

lil' M

Dear lil' M,

Ok, look cross, and wear frills,

Also say: "Let them eat cake!"

You should also eat queenly foods,

Like stuffed boar head and inside out suckling pig.

M.

* * *

Dear M,

I always knew I was handsome,

but it appears that I've become even MORE handsome!

R. de C.

Dear R. de C,

Are you Count Olaf?

M

* * *

Dear M,

I need some weight loss tips.

U.P.

Dear U.P,

Eat less.

M.

* * *

Dear M,

Someone stole my wig!

C the Diva

Dear C the Diva,

It's the Ghost!

M.

* * *

Dear M,

I have a jerk sister named Maiden...WOOPS!  
That's you, I had no idea! My bad!

Pimpernelunderthecelticmoon

Dear sis,

You are not exactly being nice!

M.

* * *

Dear M,

I love Gerry!

Pretty Phan

Dear PP,

Gerry is unavailable.

Please leave a message after the

Tone: BEEEEEEEPPPPPP!

Thank you.

M.

* * *

Dear M,

I fell over the mountain.

Z

Dear Z,

Uh, who are you?

M.

Dear M,

I don't know. Care to help?

Z.

Dear Z,

No, you're kinda creepy!

M.

* * *

Dear M,

This fic stinks! It is ooc

To the EXTREEM! I think that

Phantom Phics should be all serious!

Stuck up Phan

Dear SUP,

Glooby! Ga-looby! Glleeeeehuuisnhhsnh!

M.

* * *

Dear M,

I think that my voice teacher

Is in love with me.

C

Dear C,

Oh, that's so nice of him.

M.

* * *

Dear M,

I know that your real name is

Lillian.

Psychic Daroga

Dear PD,

Uh, it's not and you're not Daroga.

WHO ARE YOU?

M.

* * *

_This fic was brought to you by: _

_Barfaroni! Eat it. Spew it._

_And by:_

_Charles, Billy, and Mack, three people who don't actually exist._

_And by:_

_E-F-X, a weird thing. Deal with it._

* * *

**Alright, this part is over. Do review, I love it! Please send reviews! Ok, if anyone else wants Erik, he's still available. Gerry is gone off with Larry Boy. Ta-ta Gerry-o. Raoul is looking for a date too, because Christine won't make up her mind, so all Raoul fans are welcome to date him. Ta-ta and all that. Syen, call me. I'm board. L-X-R, HI!**


	5. Page 5

**Page 5**

Disclaimer: Still own nuttin'.

Dear M,

I'm trapped in a tacky, fluff fic

With a Mary-Sue and a psychotic Phan!

E.

Dear E,

You're interrupting my day for THIS?

I'm a busy girl! I have things to do,

Like take over the world, kill all the

Fops, drink ridiculous amounts of ginseng

Tea, get acupuncture, pass out Green Peace junk,

You know, this and that.

M.

Dear M,

I can yodel and play the accordion now!

I think Christine will think I'm REALLY cool!

R. de C.

Dear R. de C,

Don't count on it.

M.

Dear M,

This is Gerry, and I don't appreciate being

Mixed up with a vegetable.

Gerry

Dear Gerry,

Gosh! I had no idea you were so sensitive!

M.

Dear M,

Got any milk? I have a –um-

Strange phobia.

E.

Dear E,

No, want some peanut butter?

Dear M,

Noooooooo!

E.

Dear M,

I am an underrated, stepped on

Stage hand who seems to be destined to

Dangle from the end of the phantom's rope.

I wish to rise above such a life and become the

World dominator I was born to be,

J.B.

Dear J.B,

You could always capture a few

FAIRY GODPARENTS!

M.

Dear M,

I used to have this son,

But he ran away because my

Boyfriend wanted to put him in

An asylum. Don't you think he was

An ungrateful child?

Madame M.

Dear M&M,

No. I don't. Poor kid.

M.

Dear M,

I think I could be a great

Vice president.

E.

Dear E,

This isn't the Evita help line,

Go find another.

M.

Dear M,

I'm in love with my human.

What should I do?

A.

Dear A,

Destroy all the competition.

M.

Dear M,

I seem to be as underrated at J.B.

What should I do? I'm beautiful.

C the horse.

Dear C the horse,

(I won't ask how you wrote this

With hooves.) Just show those humans

Who's boss!

M.

Dear M,

POTO is not politically correct.

Everyone in the movie was white.

There was no cultural diversity.

Christine behaved FEMININLY!

She should have been a gun-slinging,

Wild woman. Raoul was too rich.

And the whole plot discriminates

Against mass murderers.

Liberal Leftist Critic

Dear LLC,

What_ever_!

M.

Dear M,

What is the answer to

Problem 11 in problem set 34

In Saxson 78?

Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I dunno. What does this

Have to do with POTO?

M.

Dear M,

Life is… here. Now what?

E.

Dear E,

You kinda depress me, so

Beat it or I'll have the cops on you.

M.

Dear M,

Ah-ha! Your name is Draver!

Psychic Daroga

Dear PD,

You AREN'T Daroga, but yes,

That's me.

M.

Dear M,

I took your advice, and now look,

I'm dead. Thanks a lot!

J.B.

Dear J.B,

Your life would make a great magna!

M.


	6. Page 6

**Page 6**

Author's note: I will disregard any reviews that have crude content. They will have no part of my fic. Please review K rated reviews or I will delete them if they are anonymous or put the author on my review blocker. Thank you.

Disclaimer: No. 

Dear M,

Is tuna better with mouse

Or pet bird.

A.

Dear A,

Mouse is superb with tuna.

M.

Dear M,  
If one wanted to be rid of an annoying

chorus-girl-turned-diva in order to

steal a handsome Vicomte, how would

one go about it?

Fop Fan

Dear FF,

Iocane. It is odorless, tasteless,

Dissolves instantly in liquid and

Is one of the most deadly poisons

Known to man.

M.

Dear M,

I wanna date 'im I wanna date

'im I wanna date 'im!  
Actually, I don't mean Erik. I mean

Nadir. But may I? Please?

SimplyElymas

Dear SE,

I'll ask.

M.

Dear D.N,

Wanna date her?

Wanna date her?

Wanna date her?

I mean SimplyElymas.

M.

Dear M,

Um, I don't know. Sure.

D.N.

Dear R. de. C.,

You gotta girl fan.

M.

Dear M,

REALLY! Sponge Bob eyes.

R. de C.

Dear M,

I often swim in my lake,

However the content of the lake

Has raised health concerns.

Should I swim in raw sewage?

E

Dear E,

Not unless you like human

Filth invading your immune system.

M.

Dear M,

I like being a girl. I think

That all guys should be killed.

Feminist Amazer Radiant Tigeroftheopera

Dear FART,

No.

M.

Dear M,

I am a fanfic artist who wishes

To write fanfics that aren't cliché.

How should I go about doing this?

Phanfic Girl

Dear PG,

Write a wile crossover like,

Dr. Seuss vs. Erik.

M.

Dear M,

I am sympathetic to Erik.

I know how it feels to be misunderstood.

Pale Green Empty Pants with Nobody Inside Them

Dear PGEPWNIT,

Aw, poor wiwwle guy.

M.

_POTO Help Line will be back after these messages:_

_Roald Dahl Rules! Lalalalala! _

_This program is brought to you by People R Us. Buy a person today!_

_Now back to the fic._

Dear M,

My life is in shambles.

My love left me,

And all the girls you set me up with

Are weird. Come to think of it,

So are you.

E.

Dear E,

Why thank you.

M.

Dear M,

We met!

Gerry G and Gerry B

Dear GG and GB,

Isn't that special?

M.

Dear M,

I think Orlando Bloom should

Play Raoul. He's girly enough.

Tough Girl

Dear TG,

Sure, I'll try and fix that for you.

M.

Dear M,

What's a good song for me to sing

To my love to try and win her back?

E.

Dear E,

Um, well, definitely not _Lizzie Bordon_!

You could try _Hi Rim Bo_,

Or maybe _Loch Lommond_, or…

OH! I know! Sing _The Bonny Swans_!

M.

Dear M,

I meant something romantic!

E.

Dear E,

How 'bout _Our Luv is a Slice of Cheddar_:

_Our love is a slice of cheddar,_

_So chewy it is a delight!_

_We like cheddar,_

_We eat it from morning to night._

_Just like the cheddar,_

_Our love will never loose cheesiness,_

_No matter what other love comes,_

_Our love will be the best!_

M.

Dear M,

NO! That's STUPID!

E.

**Ok, I need review nourishment!**


	7. page 7

**Page 7**

Disclaimer: No. I wouldn't dare!

To Syen: You may enjoy.

To Pimpernelunderthecelticmoon: Heheheheh!

To Baby-vixen: Yeah, I got that from L-X-R. She's funny.

To L-X-R: Yes, like I said, I did copy that. ;)

To Mizamour: Sorry, this is a POTO help line. I probably will do a Les Mis one and then you can. THAT'S SOOOO COOL about Colm Wilkenson! Yay! One of my friend's sister's friend sand a duet with him!

To Phantom of Erik's Past: Thanx. I'll ask Erik.

To El Loco Uno: Yay! What kind of cookie? I LUV cookies, only I'm sugar intolerant so it'll have to be an organic splenda cookie….

To Jessie-ashely: Thanx! Yeah, I'm glad you agree on the smut thing. I hate that! Well, thanx again. Smiles!

To 1wingangel: Hi, I have you in.

To Sereenie: Thanx. Oh, I LUV the song that never ends! I sing it on weekends and holidays and all throughout May!

To Angel-of-music1331: Don't worry, Erik is just an overly sensitive, ADD, hypo-allergic, insatiable person who is subject to mood swings. 

RilkaGreenRider: I have a dark gift? Hmm… Ok, thanx for the review. What does ROTFLMAO mean?

To Moonjava: Thank you. I'm having fun writing it. FUN! YAY!

Dear M,

Last week I had a few

Dark dreams. I need an interpreter.

Can you suggest one of quality.

E.

Dear E,

Try Joseph, he has a

Technicolor dream coat.

M.

Dear M,

I wanna banana!

The Hungry One

Dear HO,

Uh, what?

M.

Dear M,

I need a pretty flower

To stick in my button hole

For my new suit. Could you

Suggest one?

R. de C.

Dear R. de C,

Try a carnation for the

Serious attire,

Dandelion for the hippy look,

Rose for the Erik look,

And skunk cabbage for the

Ever popular total dip-stick look.

M.

Dear M,

I have a serious problem.

I seem to love my childhood

Buddy and I also have an attraction

To my voice teacher. Who should I choose.

C.

Dear C,

Well, seeing as your

Voice teacher promised to help

Me re-design my room,

You my want to choose the fop,

er- childhood buddy, he's less busy.

M.

Dear M,

I want you to stop referring

All those idiot phan-girls

To me NOW!

Gerry

Dear Gerry,

Gosh! You are sooo temperamental!

Like, double gosh! I mean, a gourd

Should be glad that girls like him and

Don't want to eat him!

GOSH!

M.

Dear M,

For the last time! I'm not

That vegetable! I'm the HUMAN

SCOTTISH Gerry!

Gerry

Dear Gerry,

Scottish eh? You mean one

Of those smelly, Loch Ness monster

Sighting, beer drinking, skirt wearing Scots

With arm pit hair down to their waits? Uh,

SAY! Have you ever actually SEEN Nessie?

M.

Dear M,

Why do I even try?

Gerry.

Dear Gerry,

I dunno.

M.

Dear M,

You give a lot of advice.

Do you have a license for that?

Concerned Phan.

Dear CP,

Nope! I am 100 percent

Unofficial!

M.

Dear M,

I need some advice to

Help me kidnap my girlfriend

So she will marry me.

E.

Dear E,

Ok. The first thing you

Wanna do is get the gal on stage

Singin' your gig. Now, listen up,

You may borrow me shears and cut da

Chandelier (but give em back by dawn or

Snakes will give ya the juice on da chair.)

Then take da chick to da underground lair,

And threaten ta juice da fop unless she

And ya gets hitched.

M. (which also stands for mafia if you want to know)

Dear M,

I am under the impression that

YOU have been giving BAD advice

To my voice teacher! STOP IT NOW!

C.

Dear C,

ME? Why honestly darling!

My advice is wonderful and

Kind (always!)

M.

Dear M,

Life is tough. I

Have always known that.

So when my CRAZY

Somewhat friend, Erik,

Sends me a BIG present,

I get scared, right.

I opened the package and

I see this nice bed spread and

A bike. What does this mean?

D.N.

Dear D.N,

Put the bed spread on the bed

And ride the bike. Then, write a

Nice little thank you note to your

Somewhat friend.

M.

Dear M,

Lalalalala!

U.P.

Dear U.P,

What does it mean?

M.

Dear M,  
I am in love with many men

that do not exist in reality.

Do I have a chance of ever

getting a boyfriend here on Earth?  
Internet Person who is Extraordinarily Expressive during Dinner

Dear IPED,

Uh, who wants a boy friend?

Not me! I have no time for

Such fiddle-faddle. Join me and

Spend time wisely!

M.

Dear M,  
Is the fop really as stupid as the fanfic

authors write him?  
ReginaRex

Dear RR,

If he's not he should be,

I like him better as a total

Idiot. It's more fun.

M.

Dear M  
I'M LONELY! Is Erik still lonely?

If he is, let him know that someone

is looking for someone like him.  
Phantom of Erik's past.

Dear PEP,

I don't know.

He doesn't confide in me regularly.

I'll ask.

M.

Dear E,

Wanna date?

M.

Dear M,

YOU? No way!

No thanks!

E.

Dear E,

No, not me!

(Though I'm a CHARMING

PSYCO!)

This gal known as PEP

Wants ta date you. Actually,

Her name is 'The Phantom of

Erik's Past'.

M.

Dear M,

The phantom of my past?

That's scary! Uh, I'll

Think on this.

E.

Dear M  
Me and my best friend are

thinking about making a POTO/Star

Wars cross over. I mean, there are so

many similarities between Leah and Christine,

and Darth Vadar has the demented face like

Erik, and Luke is all girly like Raoul! It ALL WORKS OUT!  
-Weird Old Wally

Dear WOW,

Ok, that makes sense!

I agree. Erik might not,

But I do. Leah is a heck of a lot

Tougher than Christine though.

It's like buff Christine. Yeah,

Luke is girly.

Ta-ta!

M.

**Ok, that's all (for the time being). Ta-ta and do review! Cheerio! **

**M.**


	8. Page 8

**Page 8**

Disclaimer: sings like the Evita cast "And the answer is no." 

To Syen: I have seven ice cubes down the back of my shirt.

To RebelHanyouofdarkness: Yes, he will. Christine is dumping him.

To Taurus: Thanks for the review, but I'm not a woman. I'm a mythical creature. (See Story of Chippy.)

To Wiseupandjanetweiss: Nooooo! Not the carrots! Here's the chapter! No carrots please!

To Sereenie: Okay… if you want Gerry Gourd you can have him, but it's not Gerard Butler. It's a character from Veggie Tales. Thanks for the reviews! You're very nice.

To Jessie-ashley: Thank you. I'm glad that you like it. Some people think I'm just weird. I'm glad you think I'm funny.

To RikkaGreenRider: Thank you for clearing that acronym up! Thanks for the review also!

To GerryISUchick: Here's the update. XD

To Morianerulz: Thank you, I like Carlotta too.

To Baby-vixen: Thanks, but the SW idea isn't mine, so I won't take credit. :)

To Moonjava: Thank you.

To Kiwi Anamie, Viper girls, and Regina Rex: See fic, I answered below. :) 

Dear M,

I have been given some rather

Nasty letters complaining that,

Because I'm Muslim, I am a

Terrorist. I try to explain that the

Real terrorist is Erik, but no one

Listens.

D.N.

Dear D.N,

I will try and explain your case.

M.

Dear Everyone,

ErikisaterroristandD.N.isn't.

M.

Dear M,

Is D.N. from D.N. Angel?

Anamie Freak

Dear AF,

No.

M.

Dear M,

I think that it would have been

Better if Erik hadn't been born.

His mother didn't want him and

It's her body.

Jansenist Enlightened Reincarnated K

Dear JERK,

Yeah, that makes total sense.

Lets blame infants for their parents

Sickness. If someone's helpless,

Kill 'em. Hitler 2005 meetings are

On Wednesday, also. Whatever.

M.

Dear M,  
Do you think someone should

make POTO video game where

you play Erik and win by Punjabbing

the most Fops (and random singing

Christine's and ballet rats, those are

always fun to kill...)?  
Rayne

Dear R,

Hmmm, could I design it?

I like to draw!

M.

Dear M,  
I guess you're right; Leah is like

buff Christine. Oh, and could you

ask Erik if he would be horribly

opposed if in my fanfic he and

Christine left each other for Han

Solo and Leah? (I say Han because

Christine's already hooked up with

ONE girly guy.)  
W.O.W.

(Oh, and, by the way, great job! Your letters are funny.)

Dear W.O.W,

Darthwasn'tborndeformed.

I'm sure Erik will mind, but

Who cares? I killed him in

The story of Chippy.

M.

Dear M,  
My mom says that authors

that make the Fop an idiot

are living in a dream world.

What should I do with her?  
ReginaRex

Dear RR,

Hmmm, the Chicken Dance?

M.

Dear M,

I think my lake is contaminated.

E.

Dear E,

Yes, it is. It's raw sewage.

M.

Dear M,

Can I still use it for my drinking water?

E.

Dear E,

I wouldn't advise you to, no.

M.

Dear M,

(heavy breathing) to WOW

no I was not born with a face

deformity I was totally hot when

I was Anikin (AGHH Hayden Christiansin)

(Heavy Breathing again)

Darth Vader

Dear Mr. Vader,

This is the POTO help line,

Not the SW help line, but I

Will be sure that WOW hears

What you said. However, I am

SORRY, but you were not hot!

You looked like you had a sheep

On your head. Sorry.

M.

Dear M,

I complain that you are

So sarcastic and rude.

That is immature and

Well... rude.

Intellectual Phan

Dear IP,

Deal with it.

M.

Dear M,

I am in love with

The lead tenor! Now,

For the wedding, what

Should I wear?

La C.

Dear L.C,

Hmm, well, I hate to

Say this, but my magic

Eight balls says that your

Relationship will end in tears.

Anyway, if the eight ball is

Wrong, wear white.

M.

Dear M,

I am playing in a new

Opera called Don Juan

Triumphant. I think that

The composer is a murderer,

And that he is a thief and a

Kidnapper besides. So, what

Is the best way to get his autograph?

Ballet Singer

Dear B.S,

Oh, that's easy!

Go online and get his fax

Number. Then jam his fax machine

With requests to have his autograph,

Then he will send it.

M.

Dear M,

You are dumber by

The minute! There were

No fax machines in the 1800s!

Intellectual Phan

Dear I.P,

Yes, actually,

They were invented in

The 1800s. However,

The inventor was sued of all

His money and the invention

Was not popularized until much later.

This is a true fact.

M.

Dear M,

I am depressed, again.

E.

Dear E,

Try St John's Wart.

M.

Dear M,

Why won't my fiancé

Make a decision on

Whether to marry me or

Her freakish 'angel'?

R. de C.

Dear R.C.,

Because she's too

Busy being cool.

M.

Dear M,

I will probably dump my

Voice teacher soon. Can I

Still flirt with him until then?

C.D.

Dear C.D,

That would not be wise.

M.

Dear M,

My father wants

To burn me alive!

F.

Dear F,

I hope you know

That you are wasting

My time by asking for

Advice on the _POTO_

Help Line.

M.

Dear M,

That was not my intent.

F.

Dear M,

Will you write a

Les Mis Help Line.

Inquisitive

Dear I,

Yes.

M.

Dear M,

When?

I.

Dear I,

Soon.

M.

Dear M,

Like, you so totally

Need to get a life!

Person

Dear P,

If you know of a place

Were there are discount

Lives, please let me know.

M.

Dear M,

You don't know enough

About Les Mis to start a

New help line!

Mis fan

Dear MF,

So?

M.

**Ok, that's that (for now.) Get out and review, 'cause I'm aimin' for 100! Yay! By the way, Christine is going to dump Erik, so he's open to dates, again. But, there's a catch. Any smut will NOT be placed in the fic and the writer will be put on my review block. Please refrain from such. Thank you. XD. **


	9. Page 9

**Page9**

Disclaimer: I will not claim claims that I cannot claim. These ideas ain't me own.

**Important note: I am sorry, but I will no longer be taking questions from reviewers because I might get kicked off for making an interactive fic. Sorry. I will occasionally add someone's remark to my fic though. If I was in charge I would put all of them in, but I just don't want to get my fic deleted. Thanks anyhow. God bless. –Maidenhair.**

To Mizamour: Thanks. Glad you liked it. Yeah, the J.E.R.K part was something I had been wanting to add for a while. People always make those arguments, but the argument make to sense! The funny part was that when I was in various Pro-life marches, the only people who got mad were... older men. Last I looked they can't even _get_ pregnant. I mean, there would be a bunch of girls holding signs that said, "Abortion Hurts Women", and no WOMAN said anything against us. But the men were like: "You censored don't know what women want!" Uh, I happen to BE one, so I bally well should. Anyway, thanks for the review! Oh, I was wondering, can a person be in more that one C2 group? Because L-X-R wanted to start one a while back. I don't know if she still does, but could I join two?

To Baffled Seraph: I'm sorry I can't take your questions on the fic anymore. Tnaks for the reviews anyhow. Oh, just a note here, I LUV Michael Crawford!

To Art-keeper: Thanks for the review! Ok, I'm not mean to Gerry, and I did like him in POTO. The sarcasm is just for the fic. Also, I am pretending that I think he's Gerry from Veggie tales. ;)

To Kiwi Animie: Ok, sorry WOW can't be in the fic according to rules. P to the rules. Anyway, I'll let Darth know what you want him to know. XD.

To Erik's Shadow: Hi, thanks for the review. I like a lot of the things you like also. Anyway, here's the update. 

To RebelHanyouofDarkness: Ok, Erik will take dates soon. He's having issues, but he'll be available in later chapters. Thanks for the review. You have a creative pen name. I'm thinking of changing mine to Tacticus. 

To Darth Vadar: WOW says: "You were NOT hot. Never were. And true, you were not born deformed and all. But you're deformed NOW. That was my point. :-P (Actually, you're dead now...er...am I talking to a ghost?)" Thanks for the review, um, who are you?

To Angel of Charmed: Yes, he is. It's ok that u love him though. XD.

To Morianerulz: Sorry I can't take the note. Thanks for the review. Tally ho!

To GerryISUchick04: Thanks for the review. Here's the update.

To Syen: Yeah I know what BS means. I wrote the Faramir for you! Can you Email me the spellings for all the LOTR characters? Thanks.

To Wiseupandjanetwiess: Ok, same sorry about the notes. Thanks for not killing me with carrots! 

To Sereenie: Thanks for the review. Im crazy also! Oh, sorry, you were 99 not 100. 

Dear M,

My friend wants to kidnap me!

What should I do?

C.D.

Dear C.D,

Steer clear of him!

M.

Dear M,

Have any good advice on

Kidnapping my friend?

E.

Dear E,

Stay close to her.

M.

Dear M,

You seem to be giving

Contradicting advice.

Concerned Editor

Dear CE,

Yeah, yeah kill the messenger.

M.

Dear M,

Why are there so many

Snobs in our world? I like

So think that they are losers,

(Unlike me!) I mean, I am so cool,

And they are so... lame!

Swift Narcissistic Opal of Beauty

Dear S.N.O.B,

Take a look at yourself!

M.

Dear M,

I fear nothing when I

Am in the right!

Jack

Dear Jack,

Hmm, wonderful

Isn't it?

M.

Dear M,

I am in need of a plot to kill

My rival.

E.

Dear E,

Tie him to a gate and

Punjab him. That's what I do.

M.

Dear M,

I am in need of a plot to kill

My rival.

R. de. C.

Dear R. De C,

Lure him on stage and shoot him.

That's what I do.

M.

Dear M,

You do both of those things?

D.N.

Dear D.N,

Yeah, got a problem with that?

M.

Dear M,

Why does no one

Understand my phyche?

A.

Dear A,

I'm sorry, but I don't understand.

M.

Dear M,

Who are all the people who write in?

Why won't you reveal them?

Reader

Dear Reader,

Because it would violate the privacy laws.

M.

Dear M,

I am STILL depressed.

E.

Dear E,

Wanna talk?  
M.

Dear M,

I just cannot seem to

Fit into society.

E.

Dear E,

Wanna date?

M.

Dear M,

You? NOOOOOO.

E.

Dear E,

I wasn't referring to myself,

But why exactly WOULDN'T you

Want to date me?

M.

Dear M,

Remember the Chippy

Incident?

E.

Dear E,

He, he, he! How could

I forget!

M.

Dear M,

That wasn't funny.

E.

Dear E,

Oh yes it was!

M.

Dear M,

You are such a jerk!

E.

Dear E,

No, that's Jansenist Enlightened

Reincarnated K. I'm a Draver.

M.

Dear M,

Hi, honey,

I just want you to remember

To call me when you get back from

Sleive-na-mon.

Mom

Dear Mom,

Ok.

M.

**Ok, that's the end of that chapter. Do review! I am now aiming for 150. ;-) **


	10. Chapter 10

Page 10 

Dear M,

I would like to ask you for

Some advice on getting rid

Of a certain neighbor that

Is currently DRIVING ME  
INSANE!

SW.

Dear SW,

Why is it that most of my

Readers aren't even FROM

POTO? Arg, I'll try a SB

Help Line later.

M.

Dear M,

Am I hot or what?

R. de C.

Dear R. De C,

Uh, no you're not.

M.

Dear M,

Hahahahaha! Great

Come back at that fop!

E.

Dear E,

Feeling less depressed?

M.

Dear M,

Not really. sniffle

E.

Dear M,

I have reason to believe

That YOU ARE OFFERING  
ASSISTANCE TO SOMEONE  
BREAKING THE LAW!

J.

Dear J,

I have reason to believe

That you used your caps locks

On the last few lines of your letter.

M.

Dear M,

Now I am so confused.

I am in love with my

Viscount, but I also have

Fallen for my voice teacher!

Now what?

C.D.

Dear C.D,

Nothing.

M.

Dear M.

Everyone is mean to me!

They send me to fetch a bag

Of nail holes or a can of

Invisible paint. They are so

Condescending! All I want is

To be cool, wear a mask, write

My musicales, and clean the privies.

What can I do?

W.

Dear W,

Well, I would suggest that you

Be cool, wear a mask, write your

Musicales, and clean the privies.

M.

Dear M,

Oh! You're a genius!

W.

Dear W,

Hmhmm, what a good boy.

M.

Dear M,

Gerardbutleriscutegerardbutleriscute

Gerardbutleriscutegerardbutleriscute.

Gerry's Eccentric Rabid Missy

Dear G.E.R.M,

Uh-huh, uh-huh, sure.

M.

Dear M,

WHY DID YOU  
WRITE THE STORY  
OF CHIPPY? WHY? IT'S

SO STUPID! DON'T DIS ERIK

AND CHRISTINE!

Phan –Intelligent-Girl

Dear P.I.G,

I wrote it because it's

Hilarious! HAHAHA!

In your face!

M.

Dear M,

C, Christine won't

Help me make the

Music of the Night!

E.

Dear E,

Well, then maybe you should

Make the Music of the Day.

M.

Dear M,

This DIP is after me!

Syen

Dear Syen,

OMG! Who is it old pall?

M.

Dear M,

Erik! That freak!

Syen

Dear Syen,

No, that's just Walter.

M.

Dear M,

On second examination,

Yes, it is. Never mind, I'll

Just send him to get a bag

Of nail holes or a can of

Invisible paint.

Syen

Dear M,

There's beauty in extreme old

Age!

K

Dear K,

Do you fancy you are

Elderly enough?

M.

Dear M,

I want Syen's Email.

Philip Traum

Dear PT,

Gasp! Fetch the exorcist!

M.

Page 

Dear M,

I still can't shake this

Depression!

E.

Dear E,

Need an E-pall?

That might help?

M.

Dear M,

What would you suggest?

E.

Dear E,

Dustfinger! That's it!

I'll hook you up right away!

M.

Dear M,

Who?

E.

Dear M,

I need help!

This freak keeps trying

To kill me!

R. de C.

Dear R. de C,

And you expect me to take time

Out of MY busy day to save your

Puny life?

M.

Dear M,

Well, that was the idea...

R. de C.

Dear R. De C,

Whatever.

M.

Dear M,

Rude! That's what you are!

No a Rude Person

Dear N.A.R.P,

'Rude' is not a sentence.

M.

Dear M,

Luke will join the dark side!

Darth Vader

Dear Darthy,

I'm sorry, but I'm really

Getting ticked off with you.

M.

Dear M,

Do you believe in goblins?

C.D.

Dear C.D,

I know several personally.

M.

Dear M,

You own me money!

X

Dear X,

Right, look I'll get you the cash,

Gosh!

M.

Dear M,

Ok, I just left my voice teacher for

My Viscount, but I still miss him

And I kissed him goodbye but I

Now miss that too, and, um, I also met

This sweet guy named Ted. I think I love

Him. What should I do?

C.D.

Dear C.D,

It is remarkable to me that someone

With my initials can be as stupid as you

Are!

M.

Dear M,

I totally LUV you!

Your Biggest Fan

Dear Y.B.F,

M.

Dear M,

MY CHRISTINE LEFT ME!

SHE LEFT ME! THERE IS NO  
HOPE! THE MUSIC IS OVER

MY LIFE HAS ENDED. I DO NOT

NEED THE E-PALL, I AM TOO

HEART-SICK TO WRITE!

E.

Dear E,

Oh, well, Dustfinger didn't

Want to be your friend anyway.

M.

Dear M,

Thanks a lot! Now I'll just jump

Off a bridge!

E.

Dear E,

Oh, don't do that! Here,

Call me up sometime and we can

Chat. I'll make my famous shrimp

Soup, or maybe curried peas, or maybe

My spicy pesto pasta with diced rose petals!

M.

Dear M,

sniffle It does sound tempting...

E.

Dear E,

That's the spirit, laddie!

M.

Dear M,

Thank you, I think I'll forgive

The Chippy incident and even bring

You a rose or two.

E.

Dear E,

Oh, then I'll make pasta!

Roses are so delicious in pesto!

M.

Dear M,

I want my hat back ...NOW!

C.D.

Dear C.D,

I don't have it.

M.

Dear M,

I have the hat!

Mad Hatter

Dear C.D,

The Mad Hatter has the hat.

M.

Dear M,

WTH!

C.D.

Dear C.D,

Watch your mouth, punk!

M.

Dear M,

I want a pony!

Girl

Dear Girl,

Uh...

M.

Dear M,

Joy is here! I just bought

A new car!

Cars Reign Under Delights!

Dear C.R.U.D,

PLEASE STICK TO

POTO!

M.

Dear M,

Ok, I can forgive the hat

Thing, I can forgive being

Called a punk, but I will

Not just let you go you with

Erik!

C.D.

Dear M,

We're not going out,

He's coming for dinner.

M.

Dear M,

He's bringing you roses!

C.D.

Dear C.D,

It's for the pasta.

M.

Dear M,

FINE! I'll just go back to

Erik and marry him!

IN YOUR FACE!

C.D.

Dear E,

You're lady love is coming back.

M.

Dear M,

YES! Uh, you won't mind if we cancel

Our date?

E.

Dear E,

Sure, go right ahead. All the more

Pasta for me!

M.

Dear M,

That whole 'pasta' thing seemed

Rather like a plot to get the C/E

Thing going again, eh?

Observant one

Dear O.O,

It works every time!

M.

Dear M,

FOOTBALL RULES!  
YAY!

I Don't Ink Open Tapes

Dear I.D.I.O.T

The wrong bell is ringing:

WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

M.

I'm back! Do review before the computer breaks again! Oh, to everyone, first, if you are mad that we can't reply to reviews, send a note to the operators of FF and protest! Until then, I am signed into quizzilla as Draver, if you log in you can private message me:D


	11. Chapter 11

****

Page 11

Disclaimer: I don't own Wicked or Sweeney Todd, or POTO or LOTR, or Monty Python and the Holy Grail, or Guardians of Ga'Hooleanything here!

Authors note and kindly dedication: I want to thank all flamers, all people who visit fandoms just to bash others, all people who have never written a single fic and still send rotten reviews, to everyone who ever called me an idiot and spelled the word wrong, to all snobs, geeks, and nose pickers, to all who have me blocked from their works, to all who gave me the materiel for my Are You a Snob quiz on quizilla, to all who hate POTO but won't stop reading/watching it, to all who know nothing about the book and hate it anyway, to all who make illogical remarks, to all who insult me, to all who have deleted my forum posts, to all who poke fun of me on their profiles, to all the people I've reported for abuse and who flipped out about it, to those who flame and never give reasons for their hating a work, to closed minded people who refuse to listen to others, to all those who have a lack of a life, and to anyone who takes offense at this fic. This is dedicated to you. Candy-kisses for all!

**

* * *

In which I charitably allow all of the antagonists to take the floor for a small while **

Dear M,

I hat POTO!

Its tha werst buk!

It is so badlee riten!

I rite beter! It iz

Not worth the papar it wuz

Mad frum!

-I Make the Best Educational Cases In Literature Ever

Dear I.M..B.E.C.I.L.E,

Yes, we should all be reading intelligent you

Instead, shouldn't we? Uh-huh.

M.

Dear M,

You idiot! You stupid fool! You are so rude!

I mean it, you moronic third-grader! You and all

Of your readers are just fat, unpopular ditzy twits!

You are so rude and abusive!

-Really Understanding Dearest Enigma

Dear R.U.D.E,

Nee! Nee! Nee!

M.

Dear M,

POTO is immoral!

Erik is so violent! He kills people!

That is inexcusable! If he was real I would

Chop him into bits and eat him in a pie.

First I'd gouge out his eyes and skin him alive, though.

-Very Innocent and Only Lets Entertainment be Nice and Thoughtful

Dear V.I.O.L.E.N.T,

Your logic is a pearl,

We swine are undeserving.

M.

Dear M,

Your POTO fics are full of typos!

-Grammar Freak

Dear GF,

Actually, that's true.

What about it?

-M.

Dear M,

Why do these people hate me?

E.

Dear E,

They're jealous of your fedora.

(Just admit it!)

M.

Dear M,

WTC? The fedora?

-POTO Hater

Dear POTO.H,

Search your feelings, you know it to be

True.

M.

Dear M,

You only disagree with us because…

Because… beause you're of a different religion

Than us! Yeah, that's it! (Bigoted creep).

-I Have Absolute Tolerance for Everyone

Dear I.H.A.T.E.

And how did you come by this opinion, again?

M.

Dear M,

Just because you don't agree with me

Doesn't mean that I am worse than you are.

YOU ARE SO STINKING STUPID! ALL OF YOU!

Darling Intelligent Person

Dear D.I.P,

Right back at you, sweetie pie!

M.

Dear M,

Don't be so aggressive! You're such a jerk!

Don't be mean!

D.I.P.

Dear D.I.P,

I beg your pardon?

M.

Dear M,

POTO is being stupid!

I knows it! I looked and I am right!

You all are closed minded! I am a free thinker.

This POTO fandom should be for the anti-POTO

People.

- the Phantom is Ugly Girls!

Dear P.U.G,

Do you have a reason for these statements?

Can you back them up?

-M.

Dear M,

How dare you attack me!

-P.U.G.

Dear P.U.G.,

M.

Dear M,

You just made this page to bash

Those who you don't like!

-Anoymous

Dear Anoymous,

Well, first, it's anonymous.

I spell bad, but hey! Really!

Secondly, not really. I made this

Because they inspired me with a

Lot of jokes at their expense.

If I have any luck they'll review and

Supply more material.

-M.

Dear M,

I don't like a lot of people on this site.

They're mean to me!

R. de C.

Dear R. de C.,

That's because you're a fop, dear.

M.

Dear M,

That isn't true!

R. de C.

Dear R. de C.,

Yeah, so,

Where I come from, we

Believe all sorts of things that

Aren't true. We call it history.

-M.

Dear M,

I like E.

-E from Oz

Dear E.O.,

I'll send him over.

You'd make a great pairing!

-M.

Dear M,

How dare you not defend Erik!

Those jerks have been slandering

On this help line!

-Phan

Dear Phan,

I don't really care.

-M.

Dear M,

I wish to reply to the haters.

E.

Dear E,

Sure, but it'll cost you forty-eight

American silver dollars per letter.

-M.

Dear M,

WHAT?

E.

Dear E,

Was that your message?

Ten dollars please.

M.

Dear M,

No, that wasn't a message! That was a note to you!

E.

Dear E,

Oh, too bad.

M.

Dear M,

Do people hate me?

C.D.

Dear C.D,

Yes, many people do.

M.

Dear M,

Why?

C.D.

Dear C.D,

I dunno, let's ask 'em!

M.

Dear readers,

Why do you hate Christine?

M.

Dear M,

Becuz she id in POTO!

I.M.B.E.C.I.L.E.

Dear M,

Because she was mean to Erik.

-I Love Erik

Dear M,

Because she's prettier than me.

-P.U.G.

Dear M,

I used to like her before people like you

Wrote stinking fics!

R.U.D.E

Dear M,

Because she's Christian and white.

I.H.A.T.E

Dear M,

Because she's foreign and

A woman.

-I.A.L.S.O.H.A.T.E

Dear M,

I would like to know why

People pair me with older men.

-lil' M.

Dear Lil' M,

Because they needed a quick,

Easy, pre-grown Mary Sue.

M.

Dear M,

I am tired of always being portrayed as

Wearing an astrakhan cap. Yes, I wore it a few times,

But not all the time, and I certainly don't sleep in it!

D.N.

Dear D.N,

Yes, I know what you mean.

I don't like being stereotyped as

Always wearing my gnome hat.

I mean, I only wore it a few times…

On a cross country trip….

And to the library…

And…

Okay, so I guess I do wear it a lot…

-M.

Dear M,

Get all that junk out of my lair, NOW!

E.

Dear E,

What junk!

M.

Dear M,

Oh, you know very well what I mean!

The stamp-collections,

The owl statues,

The Guardians of Ga'Hoole fan art,

Those fake love letters from LOTR characters,

Just come and pick it up!

E.

Dear E,

Oh, yeah, that.

Didn't I also forget the mariachi band?

E.

Dear M,

I punjabed your mariachi band.

E.

**

* * *

Hello world! I'm back! Return once again to the irreverent madness of the fandom, where the feelings of others are always secondary to the fun of poking fun at them! Leave any review you want! **

Post Script:

If anyone actually thinks that I am religiously biased, please tell me. My fic is not meant to be serious and I think that you all know that I'm actually not a complete jerk, ;). I want everyone to know that I only have one prejudice, and its against snobs.

Smiles!

M.


	12. Chapter 12

Page 12

Disclaimer: I do not own anything here.

DEAR PEOPLE OF THE HELP LINE:

MISS MAIDENHAIR IS CURRENTLY UNDER ARREST FOR STEALING EIGHTEEN JARS OF MAYONNAISE AND TRYING TO USE THE CONDIMENTS TO GREASE HER HAIR.

BAIL IS EIGHTY MILLION AMERICAN DOLLARS.

-THE MODERATORS

Dear M,

Will you be able to reply from jail?

C.D.

Dear C.D,

Yes.

M.

Dear M,

My lair was attacked my a rabid mob screaming for my blood. What should I do now? I haven't a home!

E.

Dear E,

You could go on the Oprah show.

M,

Dear M,

Why is the format different for this page?

P. de C.

Dear P. de C.,

Because I am using a crappy jail computer.

M.

Dear M,

I have tried time and time again. It is no use. My friend will not stop committing crimes. What should I do?

D.N.

Dear D.N.,

You could always kill him.

M.

Dear M,

I don't know about you, but I'm really bored of watching _The Perils of Pauline_ every night.

Madame G.

Dear Madame G.,

Yes, that would be dull…

M.

Dear M,

Why are you such a jerk?

Person

Dear Person,

Oddly enough, I'm not. I just act like one for the help line.

M.

Dear M,

I am tired of the same old thing.

Jack

Dear Jack,

Please get your own help line!

M.

Dear M,

I don't want to go on Oprah. I just want my home back.

E.

Dear E,

I know several phangirls who would gladly assist you in your hour of need.

M.

Dear M,

It has come to my attention that the personage known as "E" on your help line may very well be the infamous Phantom of the Opera.

R.

Dear R,

AHHHH! MY FAVORITE FRENCH DETECTIVE! I LOVE YOU!

M.

Dear M,

Never mind.

R.

Dear M,

Your magic eight ball was right! My life is now utter misery. My love is dead, and, more importantly, my job is ruined!

C. the Diva

Dear C. the Diva,

What can I say, it's always true.

M.

Dear M,

May I talk to you personally about my love life?

R. de C.

Dear R. de C.,

Certainly not!

M.

Hey peoples! Okay, hope you like this! Oh, and as a side note, I hope no one was insulted by my last post. It was just for fun, I promise. ;)


End file.
